Faux Pas
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Zaraki Kenpachi is the last person on earth you should show any sort of weakness to.
1. Faux Pas

**Title:** Faux Pas  
**Universe:** Bleach  
**Theme/Topic:** The basics  
**Rating:** PG  
**Character/Pairing/s: **vaguely KenpachixByakuya (Yachiru in the periphery)  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** OOC? Yeah. That. **  
Word Count:** 986  
**Summary:** Zaraki Kenpachi is the last person on earth you should show any sort of weakness to.  
**Dedication: **requested by cheloya  
**A/N: **Oh my god I seriously cannot write lately. I AM SORRY ALL THE PROMPTS ARE TAKING SO LONG. I SERIOUSLY SUCK. Also, this does not fit the theme at all. But you know, working past the writer's block in any way I can. There are bound to be many WTF moments. Stay tuned! XD;; **  
Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

When it happens, they don't even have the benefit of using alcohol as an excuse. 

Which is fine with Zaraki; he doesn't like excuses anyway.

Byakuya on the other hand, is pink-faced and scowling and doing his very best to act disbelieving about the whole thing himself, despite the fact that he'd been the one to move in the first place. "I must be ill," he says, all haughty-like, and for once that high-brow attitude of his actually makes Kenpachi grin. Because now he knows for certain that every stupid word coming out of that prissy mouth is complete and utter bullshit.

Byakuya scowls at the other shinigami's expression. "Stop staring at me like that."

Kenpachi doesn't stop. In fact, his smile broadens. "Ha, knew you weren't hangin' around here just 'cuz you thought _Yachiru_ was lonely."

The flush on Byakuya's cheeks intensifies. "You are a monster," he sniffs, and sounds very slightly wounded. "And the only reason that I am here is to make sure your influence over Yachiru doesn't completely ruin her for civilized society."

Zaraki is unfazed by the insult. "I'm a monster, eh? That why you decide to read _Beauty and the Beast_ tonight, 'hime? Tryin' to tell me somethin'?"

Rather than respond to the accusation, Byakuya scoffs and opts for changing the subject instead (which is also pretty pansy, if Kenpachi does say so himself). "Lower your voice," the sixth division captain orders under his breath, "or you'll wake Yachiru. She's had a very eventful day." Pause. "We both did."

Kenpachi looks down in his lap, where Yachiru is happily curled up like a cat, sleeping away. He snorts. "If the zoo tired her out then she obviously ain't trainin' hard enough. And if _you're_ tryin' to use today's stupid little trip like some sorta excuse for what just happened, then you're a damned coward."

Byakuya glares at him, but the fact that he still looks ever-so-slightly embarrassed by his earlier actions completely removes the intimidation factor from the equation (not that Kuchiki-hime is very scary to Kenpachi in the first place). "My head only drooped for a moment," Byakuya says after a moment, defensively and all snooty-like.

Zaraki smirks. "You don't mean to tell me that even _you _thought your own stupid book was so boring that ya almost fell asleep reading it to Yachiru, do ya?" Pause. "Though, she got knocked out pretty damned quick, so I guess it musta been at least a little boring."

Byakuya sighs. "That is the _point_ of a bedtime story. Its purpose is to soothe her so that she is comfortable enough to fall asleep." Byakuya smooths down the front of his hakama and does that little hair toss thing of his again. "Clearly you don't even know the most basic aspects about caring for a child."

Kenpachi snorts. "And clearly you don't know the most basic damned thing about bluffin', princess, 'cuz you still got those pretty little pink spots on your cheeks even when you're pretendin' to be all snobby with me."

Byakuya scowls, but chooses not to respond to that attack, because he is the civilized person here and he refuses to stoop to Zaraki's level. "I should go," he says instead, and quickly shuts the book in his lap. "Please see to it that she's properly put to bed."

He moves to stand then, and is very careful not to look at Kenpachi anymore because he wants to make as graceful an exit from the eleventh division headquarters as possible rather than lose his temper and resort to stabbing Zaraki in the neck (though the reason for that is mostly because he suspects the other captain would enjoy it if he tried).

However, before he can turn to leave, a big hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist, tugging him back onto the ground where he'd been sitting when Yachiru had demanded he read her a story earlier. Bewildered, Byakuya lands rather ungracefully on his ass, and is forced to look up at the eleventh division captain again. Zaraki is still grinning at him. Byakuya notes that the other man's smile is— somehow— even more smug (and sinister) than it had been before, and the sixth division captain imagines that the larger shinigami looks like this because he thinks he's finally won whatever imaginary battle between the two of them he believes they've been having all this time (notably, the same battle that Byakuya has refused to take part in despite Zaraki's constant and rather juvenile heckling).

The sixth division captain's mouth works a bit as he attempts to regain his bearings (and his lost dignity). Notably, Kenpachi's hand is still wrapped around his wrist. "What are you doing?" Byakuya manages, after a moment. Though when it comes out it is a little more highly pitched than he'd intended and not at all like the accusation it was supposed to have been.

Zaraki just clears his throat and continues to look smug. He lets go of Byakuya's wrist. "So that's the point of this whole story thing, huh?"

Byakuya blinks, and is too thrown off by the other man's random insanity to remember that he is currently in a bad mood. "Excuse me?"

Kenpachi grabs the book Byakuya had been reading. He flips it open again. "Point of this is soothe someone," he reiterates. "Or so you _say_."

Byakuya just stares at him, instantly wary.

And then Zaraki gestures to his shoulder, where Byakuya's cheek had unintentionally touched down just a few moments ago. "So you just go ahead'n lay your head back here then, Kuchiki-hime, and I'll read to ya. That way you got the excuse you're lookin' for to cuddle up nice and close to old Ken-chan, hmm?"

Silence.

And then, "You're repulsive."

Byakuya—red-faced— storms out of the room in a mood that is comparable to a winter ice-storm.

Kenpachi's raucous laughter follows him out.

**END**


	2. Step Two

**Title:** Step Two  
**Theme/Topic:** After "Faux Pas"  
**Rating:** PG  
**Character/Pairing/s: **Ikkaku, Yumichika, Byakuya, Yachiru, Kenpachi (background KenpachixByakuya  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None I can imagine.  
**Word Count:** 579  
**Summary:** Following the events of "Faux Pas"- Kenpachi waits.  
**Dedication:** cheloya's request on my timestamp meme.  
**A/N:** THIS IS A LITTLE VAGUE AND WEIRD ISN'T IT? SIGH.

* * *

It's about midday when Ikkaku notices that Kenpachi hasn't come out of his office yet today; when he turns to Yumichika and arches a questioning eyebrow at his friend the pretty fifth seat simply smirks and continues filing his nails. "There was a fight," he reports with a twitter.

Ikkaku nods. "Oh." Pause. Frown. "Wait, is taichou…"

"He's definitely not sulking," Yumichika tells Ikkaku, as if _that_ needed to be explained.

Ikkaku blinks. "So…he's waiting."

Yumichika looks pleased that Ikkaku can formulate correct thoughts all on his own; he beams at his friend. "He's waiting."

It's about late afternoon on that same day when Yachiru bounces into Kenpachi's office, "I'm going with Byakushi to eat dim sum tonight!" she tells him. Then, innocently, "You wanna come?"

Kenpachi snorts. "No."

Yachiru shrugs and bounces out of the office again; Ikkaku watches her chant to herself happily about shumai and har gow and how nice Byakushi is to issue an invitation this soon after they'd gone to the Zoo; usually he's stingier than that.

Ikkaku turns to Yumichika again. "I thought…"

Yumichika isn't surprised when Ikkaku feels the need to ask about this; the bald shinigami has limits when it comes to those correct thoughts of his own, after all. "Taichou is _waiting_," Yumichika tells him, pointedly.

Ikkaku looks confused and suspicious all at once. After a moment he sighs and decides just to let things be, because when Yumi has that look on his face it means _something that Ikkaku will not be able to grasp entirely_ is going on. Yumichika thinks it's the smartest thing the third seat has done all day.

The next morning Ikkaku gets to work in time to see a groggy Zaraki-taichou trudge into his office with a babbling Yachiru on his shoulder, "And the mango pudding was _this big _and it was _so good_ and how come ya didn't want to come last night, Ken-chan?"

Kenpachi just grunts noncommittally in response a few times and goes to his desk; Yachiru keeps talking like she hadn't really expected an answer anyway.

Yumichika chuckles to himself from his seat; Ikkaku is starting to get curious again despite himself. "Still waiting?" he asks Yumichika cautiously.

Yumichika smirks. "_Waiting_."

Ikkaku doesn't get it; what is there left to wait for?

He only gets it when he comes back from lunch and sees Kuchiki Byakuya breezing through the hallways like an ice storm.

The sixth division captain walks right into Zaraki's office and shuts the door with resounding bang behind him; Ikkaku looks at Yumichika while Yumichika doesn't even bother looking up from his paperwork.

Some time later Zaraki-taichou is walking around the eleventh division headquarters bare-chested and with little bits of white paper stuck to his chest and neck and face and arms; it looks like he'd cut himself shaving with the razor, only a _billion times_.

The eleventh division captain is whistling as he heads to his office; there is a nervous-looking page following him, desperately tearing pieces of toilet paper from the roll in his hands and sticking them to any wound that he sees on Zaraki's large frame.

There are a lot of them.

When Kenpachi wordlessly heads into his office he passes by Ikkaku and Yumichika's stations. Ikkaku sees that he's grinning.

Once the door is shut behind Zaraki, the bald shinigami turns and looks at Yumichika. He thinks he gets it now. Maybe. "They made up?" he asks.

Yumichika just laughs at him.

**END**


End file.
